Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why do women take so long in washrooms

I found this little piece in my internet roamings. It has the ring of truth to it.

For the guys that always wondered why we ladies take so much time in public washrooms. Well here's an example for you!

Ladies, we've all been there haven't we? When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "SEAT COVERS" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't... so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would be so upset if you put it on the floor!) yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance". In this position your aging, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper down on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be an empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper! Your thighs are shaking more now. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday...the one that's still in your purse which is hanging around your neck. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backwards against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied," you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor. Losing your footing altogether, you slide down directly onto the toilet seat. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing, all too well, that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because you never laid down toilet paper... You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, "You just don't know what kind of disease you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of woman still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you needed it? You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this!"

As you exit, you spot your friend, who has just rounded the corner and heading in. Annoyed she asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around you neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms. Rest! You've got to be kidding. This finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their commonly asked question about why women go to the restrooms in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door shut, hang on to your purse and hand you kleenex under the door!

Exhausting to say the least!! Just make sure to wee wee before leaving home!

11 comments:

Danielle Blogging for Balance said...

Why is it that when we can relate to things like this it just seems so funny...and boy could I relate ;)

Clubbs said...

I came across this today, too! I found it funny. As a guy, I've always wondered what was going on in there! :)

Bob

Every, Every Minute

Jeni said...

That was hysterical, Vic - and also, so very doggone true too! Murphy and his freaking law really does rule, ya know!

david mcmahon said...

Oui, oui, madame.

That is great toilet humour, in every sense of the word!

You could subtitle it `Otherwise Occupied'!

Vintage stuff, Vic. Well done

Victorya said...

How true is this?? Although, I always line just in case my thighs can't hold up.

But this whole public bathroom thing is such a nuisance! Somedays I wish we could go back to shrubbery, so much easier.

Smalltown RN said...

I have to agree iwth danielle on this one...I so agree...and yes it made me laught...out loud actually...it's so true...thank you for making me smile

indicaspecies said...

Hilarious!

Shelby said...

this was tooooooooooo funny :)

Cicero Sings said...

I saw this one a couple of years ago ... when I was still working ... but it made me laugh just as hard to reread it now. It is SO true.

Dottie said...

That's hilarious and true! Have a great day!

latt├ęgirl said...

I have just one twist to add to the acrobatics required to 'hover' over the seat -- using one arm stretched straight ahead to keep the unlocked door shut... or at least keeping your fingertips close enough to the door to keep it from opening more than a few inches.

Public washrooms: so much fun!